launch

Well, this blog is meant to challenge us, and let me tell you I have been challenged in my mind and heart for months by my sisters and mom. Right now vulnerability is staring me in the face. So Kindred, I’m all in.

For a while I had a deep struggle in my mind and heart.  I had this feeling in the depths   of me that something horrible is going to happen to my daughter.  I have been struggling with being spiritually dry for a couple years now.  I mean like riding a camel for days in the Sahara kind of dry. My times with the Lord have not been what I am used to, and they are not as often.  I felt like a broken or dried up cistern because I have not refilled.

I have been struggling through the sin of worry and not trusting God, mixed into this feeling of inadequacy in discipleship. I want my kids to know Him. There have been nights of lying awake, crying and begging the Lord to save my kids.

Then one night when rocking my daughter to sleep she requested I sing, “Jesus Loves Me.” The Lord in His everlasting kindness sang to my soul. It was like Psalm 42: 7-8: “Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me. The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And His song will be with me in the night, A prayer to the God of my life.”

Here in my little Sahara I was diving under this wave.

Jesus loves me this I KNOW, for the Bible tells me so

How quickly He brought to mind so many Scriptures of His love, sovereignty, loving-kindness, authority and the truth of Scripture.  My Creator does not love me because I come to Him. I love Him because He first loved me. I am saved and have relationship solely based on His grace. And you know what?  My Father loves deeper than I can ever imagine.  I can trust His plans, even if that means something hard happens. He loves me.

Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong

My children’s souls are not resting in my adequacy as a discipler, but in the very hands that created them. He is the one that saves, and holds them. He is the one that is strong.

So as I rocked my precious daughter with tears streaming down my face, I felt true rest. I was singing to my heart. Yes, I will continue to plead with the Lord to save my kids, but I do not ask in worry or anxiousness. I ask trusting the Father that loves them more than I ever will. Because “little ones to Him belong,” I will point them to Him as much as I can, and I will pray that the Lord takes my weaknesses and shows them He is strong.

As He reminds me “Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.” 2 Cor. 3:4-6

I cannot tell you have many times I have had to learn this lesson in my life. I am so thankful that the life the Spirit gives is incredibly freeing. I am not stuck in my struggle, and weakness, I am full of LIFE. Because “Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.”

 

-Allyson